


shoplifting

by karcathy



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, this is dumb striders are dumb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-15
Updated: 2013-09-15
Packaged: 2017-12-26 15:39:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/967672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/karcathy/pseuds/karcathy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave has an existential crisis at Walmart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	shoplifting

**Author's Note:**

> i blame effy for this

You always thought your Bro was a bit weird. This, however, is something new. You aren't entirely sure you're cool with it, but what can you do? He's your Bro, after all – you just can't say no to him.

 

Right now, you're a mixture of worried and confused. Worried that you'll get caught, and confused as to why the hell he's even doing this. It's not like you can't afford to just pay for these things, so why are you going through all this bother to steal them? For the thrill of it? For a little brother-brother bonding time? For some mysterious reason you can't hope to comprehend? Knowing your Bro, each of these is equally possible.

 

Even if he does have a good reason to be taking you shoplifting, why steal these items in particular?Why milk? Why scrunchies? Why Pritt stick? Are these items all part of some elaborate plan? Or did he just pick them arbitrarily, perhaps to confuse you?

 

Or maybe you're just overthinking this. Maybe he's just thirsty, and needs to tie his hair up, and ran out of glue. Maybe he's just trying to fuck with you. Knowing your Bro, it's probably the latter – and it's really fucking working.

 

Trying not to look suspicious – which is hard for a teenage boy wearing aviator shades and hoodie in the middle of Walmart – you follow your Bro over to the bakery section. The milk is making a really obvious bulge in his jacket, and you wonder how he hopes to get out of there without getting caught. Then again, maybe getting caught is part of his plan. That would make it a pretty fucking dumb plan in your book.

“Yo, you want a treat?” he asks you, gesturing towards a large selection of shitty donuts.

You shrug nonchalantly, and half-nod in a way that you hope says “Yeah, sure, but I'm not really that bothered.”

“Alright,” he says, grabbing two donuts and handing them to you, “Stick these down your pants.”

You give him a look that definitely says “Are you fucking serious?”

“Look, kid, just do it.”

You glare at him, but reluctantly unzip your pants and stuff the donuts inside. This trip has taken a turn for the really fucking weird – just like everything else involving your Bro.

 

Thankfully, your Bro decides you've taken enough for now, and that it's now time to leave. Walking slightly awkwardly, and hoping no one decides to look at your crotch, you follow him out of the store, your hands stuffed in your pockets and your head down. You really, really hope you don't get caught right now. Getting caught shoplifting would be bad enough, but stuffing donuts in your pants is just _weird_. You really, really, _really_ hope you don't bump into anyone you know. That would just be _too_ embarrassing.

 

You manage to get home without meeting anyone. The now slightly squashed donuts really weren't worth it. If this was an elaborate ruse to persuade you to never shoplift again, it worked. You also doubt you'll be visiting that Walmart any time soon. 


End file.
